Crushing on Joshua

Monday, 
12th January 2004

Ok, so I couldn’t wait until Tuesday.

I called Lauren this afternoon to talk about Joshua.

Unfortunately, she was with Aaron when she picked up.

Yeah. They were on a date.

Queue the awkwardness.

*Face palm*

I kinda had to think of something else to talk about on the spot, so I stuttered through some stupid comment about the weather. I knew that Aaron was listening, so I was a bit freaked. He totally threw me off my train of thought. I think Lauren could tell that I really needed to talk to her so she said she would call me back later. That should have been the end of it, but then Aaron grabbed the phone and started talking to me!

Oh.

My.

God.

I could literally feel my heart beating so hard against my chest. The last person I needed to talk to was Joshua’s best friend. Aaron is a really nice guy, but he’s hard to take seriously because he’s such a joker. And I wasn’t sure how much Lauren had told him about the whole ‘I still like Joshua’ scenario. But I found out pretty quickly.

“Heyyyyyyy Amberrrrr!”

Aaron making 2 words sound longer than what they actually are = he knows something.

Shit.

“H-hi Aaron,” I stuttered.

Not a great start to the conversation.

“How are youuuuu?”

“Good. I’m good. How are you?”

“Gewwwwd!” he exclaimed, with his voice wayyyy too over the top.

“Good to hear-“

“So how’s Joshua, aye?”

Fuck.

Fffuuuuccccckkkkkk!

“I-I don’t know.” I spluttered, “Um… I haven’t heard from him since New Years.”

“Really?”

This surprised me. Like, really surprised me. He sounded like, uber surprised and borderline disappointed? I heard him go ‘hmmm’ and then whisper something to Lauren. He chuckled, then I heard a bang. He dropped the phone!

“Oops, sorry A,” Aaron said, almost half ventilating, “I’m clumsy but you already knew that.”

“That’s ok,” I said, even though I know he didn’t really mean it, “I hope Lauren’s phone is ok.”

“It’s fine. I’ll get her another cover. SO! Joshy-boy hasn’t msged you at all?”

“Umm… well he wished me Happy New Years and that’s it – hang on, why are you so interested?”

“Well, he’s my best bud, so I’m just lookin’ out for him,” he replied defensively, “Can’t believe what a bloody coward he’s being though.”

Coward? About what?

“What are you talking about Aaron?” I questioned further.

“Well, he –“

Beep. Beep. Beep.

OMFG!

Laurens phone died! Well, that’s what she told me about an hour ago. But I’ll get to that.

The phone FUCKING died!

I was hell mad/annoyed/angry/frustrated! I tried to call back but it just kept going to Lauren’s voicemail. So, for the WHOLE of today, I have been sitting at home, trying to figure out what Aaron was going to say to me. Adrian even asked me to come over this afternoon but I said no because I had ‘things to do’ i.e. think about how much Aaron knew about my feelings for Joshua. Seriously, I was way too stressed to see anyone. Even if it is just Adrian.

You know, I haven’t even told him about all this yet. He will probably just laugh and say I’m making things way too complicated for myself. And you know what, he might be right, but he’s not a girl. And he hasn’t even had a girlfriend, so what would he know? But I don’t want to know what he’ll say. I don’t want to be given a lecture on how I should just be honest about my feelings and ask him straight out. That’s NOT how it works in ‘Girl World’. It might change in the future, but I cannot wait, like, 10 years to find out.

So yeah, Lauren ended up calling me on my home phone and explained that her phone is pretty munted from when Aaron dropped it. She needs to get it repaired. She is not happy about it, but Aaron said that he would pay for it, so it’s not all bad. We talked about her camping trip (sooooo boring) and her diabetes.

I’m really excited for her – she’s getting an insulin pump! Lauren said that she could have gotten one a couple of years ago, but they were like, uber expensive. Apparently, prices have come down since then, and her mum saved up the money to get it for her. She says that she won’t need to inject herself anymore because the pump does that for her. But the downside is that she has to pretty much wear it all the time. She says it’ll be worth it though. I think so too. Her mum said that it will arrive real soon so I’m pretty interested to see what it looks like.

And then we talked about her and Aaron. Lauren adores him. I could tell by the way she was talking about him. It’s so cute! It was really nice to hear about their date too – he took her to the movies, and then they had Nandos for lunch. I love Nandos. So I was a little jealous when she told me that. Lol.

He was walking her to the bus stop when I called, but Lauren hadn’t spoken to him about the whole Joshua thing yet. But they did… right after she yelled at him for killing her phone.

I held my breath and braced myself for the details. The conversation went a little like this:

“So yeah, Aaron said that he’s pretty pissed at Joshua at the moment,” Lauren said way to casually for my liking.

“Why?”

“Well, Joshua called him before New Year’s Eve, asking him whether or not he should msg you. Aaron started joking around, saying that he still liked you. And then…”

Pause. Pause?!

“And then?!” I said, a little too eagerly.

“Joshua went silent. And then he hung up,” she finished.

Wait. What?

“I’m confused. So he just hung up on Aaron?”

“Yup. Aaron said that that’s the first time he’s ever done that to him. Obviously, he called Joshua back straight away and apologised. Joshua told him not to joke about you anymore.”

OMG when she told me that, I got the biggest butterflies in the pit of my stomach. Wow. Aaron must have hit a sore point with Joshua. And it was about me! It’s funny though; I never pictured Joshua as a sensitive guy. He was always so calm and easy going. I guess all guys have a weakness. I can’t believe Joshua’s weakness is me!

“T-that’s full on,” I managed to reply.

“Amber… he still likes you.”

Lauren’s word echoed through my head for what felt like forever. But then my stomach churned.

“But… if he still likes me, why hasn’t he asked me out?” I asked, with a little disappointment in my voice.

“Well, you know him A, Joshua is really shy,” Lauren answered quickly, “Remember, it took him ages to ask you out last year. Aaron said that Joshua was going to ask you out on New Years. But obviously that didn’t happen. That’s why he was really surprised when you spoke to him earlier today. He thought Joshua had already asked you out.”

My stomach fell. I really didn’t need to know that. And now, I can’t help but feel a little rejected. Why did he change his mind? I really hope it was because he is a shy guy, and not because he doesn’t want to go out with me anymore. But I can’t blame him. I mean, I was the one who dumped him last year. Maybe he didn’t want that to happen again. I feel like I’ve sabotaged my chances.

This sucks. Heaps.

“…I guess that’s why Aaron said he was being a coward. Makes sense…” I said, trying not to cry.

“Aww A-” Lauren started to say.

I cut her off, “I’m fine-”

“No, you’re not,” Lauren interrupted, “I told Aaron to find out what’s going on with Joshua. We are both pissed off with him. Especially Aaron. Trust me.”

“Why is Aaron pissed off? He hasn’t done anything.”

“He reckons Joshua should have told him the whole story. He wouldn’t have opened his mouth if he had known he didn’t end up asking you out. He feels bad.”

“It’s not his fault that Joshua chickened out,” I said, finding myself defending Aaron, “I think he was just trying to be a good friend. Only it backfired.”

“Joshua is just being a little bitch. Don’t worry A. I know he still likes you and wants to ask you out. I think he just needs a little push,” Lauren said, ending on a mischievous note.

“Lauren, please don’t do anything to embarrass me!” I pleaded.

“OMG no way! I won’t. I promise. But I will get you back together, ok? Aaron wants you guys together again too.”

“Really?” I asked, surprised.

“Yeah! So we can go on double dates.”

I smiled, “Oh lol. Umm ok.”

I didn’t know how to respond to that. It’s a bit random that a guy is looking forward to going on double dates. Isn’t that normally what girls think about? Anyway, the rest of the conversation was pretty boring, but she did confirm that she is coming shopping with us all tomorrow. Yay! I told her we are meeting outside the cinemas at 10am. I thought I’d better tell her that, considering her phone is fucked. We said good night, and then I had a shower.

Showers are like, the best place to think about stuff. Maybe it’s because water is calming. I don’t know. I’m sure there’s some scientific study on it somewhere. I thought the shower would make me feel better, but I still feel like shit. I hate when I get stressed out or anxious; I get stomach aches. And then I have trouble getting to sleep. Which is why I’m still up. I should be sleeping but I can’t.

I’m really confused. And upset.  As much as I want to go out with Joshua, is it really worth all this? I think it’s all the ‘not knowing’ which is getting to me. I keep making up things in my head and trying to fill in the blanks to make sense of it all. I know I could msg him and ask him, but I just don’t want to come across as desperate, you know? I have no idea what my next move should be.

I think I just have to leave it up to Lauren and Aaron to get more information for me.

‘Girl World’ sucks.

Amber A.

loveheart

Have you ever had to rely on a friend to get to the bottom of things? Especially when it comes to matters of the heart? Love to hear about it below 🙂

2 Comments

    1. amberafter

      Thankyou so much 🙂 I really wanted to capture what it was like as a teen back then, so i’m really glad that you enjoyed reading my work!

      Cheers for stopping by – I really hope that you’ll stop by again and follow Amber’s journey through year 11 – it’s going to be packed full of drama lol!

      Liked by 1 person

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