Sunday, 18th January 2004
I had a lot of time to think while I was at work today. Thankfully it wasn’t very busy. But next week it will be. Larry told me that there’s a cruise ship coming in next weekend which will have about 4,000 people on board. That’s a lot of potential customers. He said that I will be on standby, just in case they need extra staff.
I hope I don’t have to. Saturdays are the shittiest day to work on; they are always the busiest.
I was put on dish-stacking duty today, so I pretty much just sat on a stool in the kitchen and loaded up plastic trays with dirty crockery and cutlery.
Yeah, I know.
It’s a menial task but it’s got to be done. And because it doesn’t involve any thinking, I had a lot of time to think about other things.
Other things = Joshua.
I’ve digested what Lauren told me. I’m still hell angry/upset/shocked about it, but I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t do anything at the moment, so there’s no point letting my emotions get the better of me. It doesn’t help anyone. And it’s not pretty.
So yeah, Lauren went on another date with Aaron yesterday. They went to the city and just walked around. How romantic! Anyway, when she called me last night, I was watching ‘Deep Impact’ with my parents (Grace was already sleeping), so I high tailed it to my room and made myself comfortable on my bed. I knew it was going to be an interesting conversation.
“I thought I’d call you instead of going on MSN,” Lauren said slowly, “I felt it was better to actually like, talk to you.”
“Ok… you’re freaking me out,” I said as calm as I could.
My heart was beating a million miles an hour. I really hate feeling on edge.
“Aaron had a chat to Joshua, but he said he was being really weird. Like, not himself.”
“Not himself?” I repeated accidentally.
“He was being really shady when Aaron asked him about New Years. Joshua kept changing the topic.”
“That’s really weird.”
“I thought so too. But Aaron eventually got some answers outta him.”
I could hear Lauren sigh through the phone. She was hesitating. My stomach sank. It wasn’t going to be good news. And I was right.
Joshua Wilson, the one boy in the whole school that I’ve had a crush on since year 8 – and the biggest crush that I’ve had on ANY boy in my entire life – just called me one of the most insulting names I have ever heard of.
Ok, I actually didn’t know what it meant at first, but it sounded real bad.
“WHAT the HELL is a cocktease?!” I yelled into the phone.
“Y-you know, someone who leads a guy on,” Lauren clarified quickly, clearly surprised by my sudden outburst.
I was shocked.
“I do NOT lead guys on!” I said angrily, “Where the HELL does he get off saying that about me?! I didn’t even speak to him for the last 3 months of last year. What the fuck!”
“That’s what I told Aaron,” Lauren continued, trying to make me feel better, “I even told him that you guys didn’t even kiss while you were going out.”
Great. That’s the last thing I wanted Aaron to know. My whole body was writhing in anger. I couldn’t believe it. And to think that I actually wanted to go out with him again.
Yeah. Like that’s ever going to happen.
“That’s not all A,” Lauren informed me, breaking through my train of thought, “It gets worse.”
“I don’t care anymore. He can go fuck himself for all I care,” I said dismissively.
“Ok, well I guess if you feel that way, then it’s not going to matter to you that he hooked up with some random chick on New Year’s then.”
Ever get that feeling where you keep falling again, and again, and again? Well, that’s what happened to me. It felt like forever. My stomach started doing belly flops and I felt all the warmth inside of me drain from my body. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt like that before. It was a good thing I was already lying down; I probably would had fainted if I was standing up. I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
How could he do this to me?
He sent me a kiss and called me Berry. On New Year’s! My special name, the one he chose just for me! I thought that after all this time, I still meant something to him. I thought that we weren’t over and that we were going to get back together and live, like, happily ever after. I didn’t understand and I still don’t understand. I mean, if you like someone, then why get with some bimbo? I guess all guys must follow their dicks. And they don’t care who gets hurt. My chest started to tighten…
I needed some time alone. Now.
“I-I have to go,” I said quietly, “Talk to you later, ok.”
I didn’t wait for Lauren to reply. I hung up, sat on the edge of my bed and stared at the carpet. And stared. And stared. My mind had drawn a blank. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even see the floor after a while; the tears just kept coming and I couldn’t control them.
I think my heart is breaking.
Son of a bitch.
I have never cried over a guy.
Joshua Wilson broke my heart last night.
And now, he’s going to pay for it.