Wednesday, 11th February 2004
I thought today I was going to kill 2 birds with 1 stone… unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.
I asked Lauren to come with me to go visit Taj’s group at recess. I was initially going to ask Britt, but her and Mercy were having a D&M and I didn’t want to disturb them. I have no idea what it was about, but Mercy looked really excited and Britt looked terrified. And Amy was sick today, so really, the only person left was Lauren. She was happy to come with me; she could tell that I was really nervous. I mean, I didn’t really know why I was going over there, and I didn’t really know what to say once I was actually there! So we walked away from the quadrangle – from my safety net – and made our way to Taj’s group.
I could feel my heart pounding faster and faster as we approached them and when we finally got there… I froze. I just stood there for what felt like forever. Thank GOD Lauren was there, because she became my voice.
“Hi all,” she greeted Taj’s group happily, “How are you?”
“Good? Can we help you with something?”
Megan answered on behalf of their group. I couldn’t see Leanne, much to my relief, but Taj suddenly lept up and said hello. He turned his back on his group and lowered his voice.
“Thanks so much for coming over here,” Taj said gratefully, “I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.”
By this point, I had regained control of my body, “Well, it sounded really important, so I wasn’t going to say no.”
Lauren looked back towards the quadrangle and frowned.
“Hey A, I’d love to stay, but Aaron looks like he’s pissed off,” Lauren said quickly as she raced back to the quadrangle, without saying goodbye.
Lauren must have good eyesight because I couldn’t see his group from where we were. But mind you, I wear glasses to see far away, so pretty much everyone’s eyesight is better than mine.
“Gosh, she left in a hurry,” Taj said, pointing out the obvious, “I hope she’s ok.”
“Uh, she’ll be fine. So, is there any particular reason as to why you asked me to come visit you?” I asked sweetly.
“Yes. I wanted to see you.”
He had such a huge smile on his face that I couldn’t help but blush.
“Does there need to be a reason?” he said as his face went red.
“Ok, there’s a little reason, it-” he started to say but then he started panicking, “But I’ll tell you about it later, promise.”
And then… he hugged me!
OMG! Taj Amherst had his arms around me!
I didn’t want it to end, but he suddenly let go, and smiled at me.
“I’ll come find you at lunch and explain. Seeya Amber,” he said as he walked back to his group.
I stood there for a split second, with a confused smile on my face. Then I turned around and felt my heart stop.
Leanne was standing about 2 metres away… glaring at me.
WTF! She must have seen the whole thing! She looked like she was ready to kill me. I didn’t know what to do, so I dropped my gaze to the ground and quickly walked past her.
WTF just happened?!
I walked back to my group, completely confused. I didn’t even notice when Lauren re-joined our group and started bitching about Aaron because he got pissed off that she didn’t tell him that she was going with me to see some year 12’s. Overprotective much?
Yeah, I think so.
But I had my own thoughts to deal with.
Did… did Taj just use me?
Like, I know in my heart that he’s a genuinely, sweet guy and he would never do that, but at the same time, I feel like he just used me to make his ex jealous. So, does that mean that he still likes her? No. That can’t be possible. I’m 100% sure that he likes me now… right? But he did say that there was a reason for the visit and that he promised to tell me later. But when was later?
And to think, I actually thought that he was going to ask me out. But then he pulls a stunt like this. NOT the best time to play with my emotions, especially since I still had more of an emotional rollercoaster to go.
It was hard to get my thoughts in order when I was walking over to where Jenny was sitting during lunch. I was getting angrier and angrier at Taj for what he pulled at recess, so I was trying my best to focus on our friendship, and not about the boy we are apparently fighting over. When I got there, Rita jumped up and said hello to me. I didn’t realise that Jenny was sitting with her group! Thanks a lot Rita. I mean, I only see her 4 times a week, for Physics and Form time… she could have told me that Jenny was sitting with her.
I saw Jenny at the far end of the group and walked over to her.
“H-hey,” I greeted her nervously, “Umm… can we talk?”
Jenny didn’t say anything. Instead, she got up and walked a little way from Rita’s group. I followed. She didn’t look like she was going to say anything, so I broke the ice once again.
“I really hate fighting with you, can we please just sit down and talk about it?” I sincerely said.
Jenny looked at me for a couple of seconds with her arms folded and then… she sat down. I gave myself an imaginary fist pump and sat down with her.
We had a really good chat. A couple of things came out of it which probably wouldn’t have if I hadn’t have come to see her:
- She wasn’t upset about Taj. In fact, it didn’t have anything to do with him. She did repeat that she liked him at one stage after we got back from France, but she could tell that he wasn’t interested in her so, she lost interest in him. He kept asking her questions… about me.
- I am self-centred. She explained to me that just because she doesn’t have a boyfriend, doesn’t mean that her feelings don’t matter. Apparently, I don’t really ask about her and what’s going on in her life, and I just talk about myself all the time. She thinks that I don’t care about anything, unless it involves me. And I don’t care who gets hurt. Ok. I guess there’s some truth to that. But it’s not something that I can change overnight. I said to her that I will work on it because her friendship means a lot to me and I want to make things right. (But seriously, I thought all teenagers are self-centred. Obviously, I was wrong).
- Jenny isn’t happy with herself. Some of the things she said to me has come from misplaced anger. From what I could understand, she’s a bit upset that everyone either has a boyfriend, or someone that is interested in them. It’s making her feel down. And the fact that the guy she was crushing on last year now likes me? Well, it just really got to her. I told her that she shouldn’t compare herself to us, because we are totally different. I don’t think any less of her and she shouldn’t let a guy define who she is. She doesn’t need a man to be happy. In fact, NO ONE needs a man to be happy because it comes from within.
I’m glad that we talked things through. We hugged once we sorted it all out. I nearly cried. I am sooooo happy to have my friend back. But Jenny said that she’s not ready to move back to our group. I think that she doesn’t want Rita’s group to feel like she was using them.
Speaking of being used, guess who showed up once I walked back to my group?
Pretty much EVERYONE in my year in the quadrangle watched as he walked towards me. It’s not every day that you see a year 12 approach some year 11’s.
In an open space.
Where EVERYONE can see you.
And it’s not exactly a short walk. Taj had to pass at least 10 groups of people to get to me. I panicked and faced the other way. Mercy elbowed me in the ribs once he got to our group.
“Hey girls,” he greeted nervously, as my friends chorused hello back, “Hey Amber, can I talk to you for a moment?”
In the corner of my eye, I could see everyone starting to move off to last period.
“Better make it quick,” I said as I walked towards my bag.
“Very true. Here, take this,” he said as he gave me a letter, “It probably wasn’t the best time to come see you right at the end of lunch, but I couldn’t find you before.”
He must’ve been looking for me when I was talking to Jenny… oops.
“Oh right. Long story,” I said flatly.
“Ok well, please read the letter. I’ll be online after school if you want to talk ok? Seeya.”
And then Taj half jogged back to his group. I didn’t get a chance to talk to the girls about his sudden appearance because I was already running late for my last class. But I was dying to read what he had written, so I skimmed through it while I was walking to the back of the school to Chemistry. I actually didn’t get to read it properly, until I got home.
This letter will be messy because I cannot write standing up. And as this letter is about nothing at all, I’m not sure as to the possible contents. This will work, however, because though the bizatch has temporarily left, she has left a brilliant spy.
That spy will most definitely report on my actions, to script a letter for you.
But ha! She has returned and I took the rabbit hole even deeper – she actually asked me why you, Amber, were here today.
I am enjoying this because it is mean, in the way she was cruel to me. She said she wants to be friends – I find that difficult to believe. After everything… but you and I are friends, but you are amazing, whereas, the bizatch is not. I want to talk to you tonight because this letter makes no sense and I am on a natural high at the moment.
Thanks heaps Amber!!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
I can’t. I can’t even…
I was SOOOOOOOOOOOO mad! I was part of a plan?! A plan that I knew NOTHING about! I went straight on the net.
Shit was about to get real.
Me: SO WAT? UR JUS TALKIN 2 ME SO U CAN USE ME 2 GET BACK @ UR EX?!
Taj: I’m NOT using you Amber; I could never do that!
Me: well it sure FUCKING feels lyk u did!
Taj: I can see why you’d think that, and I’m truly sorry for today It was NEVER my intention to make you feel used. I found out that she has been going out with the guy she cheated on me with, and I was the last to know. And well… it hurt.
Well, WTF am I meant to say to that? Is it any worse that than what Taj did to me?
Uh, I don’t think so!
Me: well, u cud have fucking told me!
Taj: I didn’t know if it was right to be talking about her life to you. In hindsight, I really should have told you. I’m not good with expressing my emotions. I’m really sorry
Me: y didn’t u think it was rite 2 talk bout her 2 me?
Taj: I thought it was obvious. It’s because I like you.
Nope. Not buying it.
How can you like someone, yet use them at the same time?
I call bullshit.
Me: i dun believe you. i felt used
Taj: I am so sorry. I guess that letter didn’t come across the way I’d planned it to
Taj: The bizatch just makes me so mad, you know? I feel like a loser when she’s around me. She just has this way of poisoning every good thing that I have in my life. Now, she’s poisoning you against me
Me: dats not tru…
Taj: It is, she’s making me into someone that you hate
Me: i don’t hate u
It’s true. I don’t. And I can understand what he’s saying. I think I went through the same thing with Joshua. I was hurt, and upset, and I acted pretty irrationally. I felt like a loser, and that I had been played. So, I can understand where he’s coming from. And it’s not a nice place to be.
Taj: You might as well hate me. I don’t deserve someone like you in my life
Me: dats not tru! u are great. u just don’t think like a gurl. if u’d told me last nite, i wud have happily gone along wit ur plan 2 mess wit her
Me: yeah. i kno wat if feels like 2 have ur feelings played wit
Taj: I feel really sad to hear that. Well, whoever it was, he sounds like an idiot. He must be crazy to give you up, let alone play with your feelings
Damnit! Why must he be so sweet? But from his letter, he only thinks of me as a friend…
Me: hey Taj, wen u said u liked me… in wat way do u mean?
Taj: umm… I thought that it’s pretty clear… isn’t it?
Me: in ur letter, u said we r frens, so we must be gud frens then, yeh?
Taj: Umm… sure Amber, whatever you say. Hey, I have to go now, I’ll talk to you later ok?
OMG. WHAT is going on?! I’m so confused! Where do I stand with Taj?
Today did not go the way that I had hoped. The only good thing that came out of today was that Jenny and I are friends again. And as for Taj? It’s opened up so many more questions. I thought I knew who Taj was… now I’m not so sure. I feel like I’m in limbo and its really making me anxious. I hate how Taj says all the right things, but I’m still no closer to finding out if he likes me more than just a friend.
Like, my head is telling me no, he doesn’t like me, but my heart is telling me yes, he really does like me. But, I think that he’s in a really tough spot at the moment and he definitely needs some space to think things through. In particular, everything that his ex is putting him through. Like, I don’t see how he can be friends with her, after everything that she’s done to him. Not only has she used him, but she’s humiliated him and probably bruised his self-worth. I’m beginning to think that she’s the one that has unresolved feelings for him.
I really thought I’d found a good guy… now I’m beginning to question my own judgement.
Why are guys so difficult to read?!